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"Mr. Microsoft, your table is ready."

Well, I have never written anything other than a bubble sort program for a computer that accepted input via a punch card reader. And I thank all of you "coders" for that. I simply do not have to program. All the effort, sweat, late nights, and code crushes, (a wine country reference), billions in advanced education and artistry of the SW development process are appreciated, but most likely lost on me in the big picture. Now what is MSFT like as a person?

Microsoft is that guy you see at the latest hip restaurant (Web X.0). He looks tired, is actually 45 to 50 years old and looks older. He is half paying attention to his spouse (Windows Server) and too young kids (SQL and MSN), while mostly wondering when the kitchen remodeling will end if it ever does (Gates leaving).


He can no longer conspicuously consume to feed the hole in his soul where his childhood used to be (DOS grab). But he does anyway, and is typically a year or more behind any meaningful social trend (selling ads on the internet). As an example he just bought his Crocs last week (Silverlight, Anti-Virus, SaaS, updates over the web, Windows Live, stop me anytime). He hates the fact the people in the booth next to him have as much, enjoy it more and are almost 20 years younger (that, and his corporate jet will never get preferred parking at Moffett Field). His infrastructure is chronologically old while his brain (read: marketing department) tells everyone he can still bring it. BTW “It” left him about 7 years ago.


He is financially set; in fact having too much coin has made him mentally sloppy (SharePoint?). His favorite shirt is no longer retro; it is a biohazard (Sun Alliance?).


What he is is cranky; he has to focus on something to keep going. He rang the bell for a long time; in fact some say he is tone deaf from noise. He needs to be agitated to work at an optimal level; he has to find something to keep going. So he tried snowboarding (web search), kite surfing (Zune) the two months a year it is possible in his home geography. He dabbled in yoga and pulled an upper dorsimus (virtualization), and finally settled on planning retirement (Vista).


In fact he is everyone’s neighbor, and for all his faults, false starts and faux promises, he is the guy we go to for help. He will have the tool we need to borrow, it won’t be new and cool, but it will do the job. He give us the shirt off back, typically at one of his 80s style parties where the Kamikazes flow like Seattle rain. He can still rock it old school, all while thinking Maroon 5 is the color of the paint swatch for the kitchen.


He still thinks obliterating a competitor like Netscape could happen again, just like the he thinks the Mariners have a shot every year.


And you know what? As much as we love to hate him, he fits in. In fact without him our cable would not suck, our kids would not forsake the outside for the in, and the internets would most likely be used by scholars and not soccer moms, dads and much less as a social tool for his too young kids.

Tip of the hat (not the Red Hat) for everyone’s favorite baby boomer, Mr. Microsoft.

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