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Why I Should Run HP

In the California Governor's race where Meg was the Republican Guard’s front runner she spent $106 of her own money per vote (just slightly over the MSRP of an HP Office Jet 6500A All-In-One printer. If she had mailed me that printer instead of the lame political ads that smacked of old school Proctor & Gamble Swiffer marketing, I might have been swayed (not really).

For those if use who reside on earth that is $177,000,000 of her personal cashizzle to get run in the general election. And why? Her campaign strategist is an idiot. Carpet bombing California about Jerry Brown’s foibles was dumb. Really dumb. He’s Jerry Freakin’ Brown and we already know all that. Bad hire (campaign strategist and team). Did you know she paid over $800K to her campaign manager? That makes Newt G’s run at Tiffany’s look like a monetary hissy fit. her campaign staff strategy was the worst recognition of the political climate since the U.S. of A. armed Bin Laden to fight the Russians. A CEO has to know when his team is off track or in this case she failed to recognize her expensive staff had no one who could think strategically. If campaigns were consumer goods this was the Sham Wow. BTW never but the word ‘Sham’ in a product title, the American public is gullible but really?

During the CA Governor's election campaign Meg was presented with a known issue to her and her staff with respect to her domestic employee. Something about money owed to the employee and her being an undocumented alien (I do prefer undocumented worker as I am an X-File nut). Here is where her millions spent on campaign consultants and her true management style was laid bare for all to see. And her advisors made sure it happened.

Clearly it was politically motivated so using that defense which Meg tried was inane. A moron in a hurry new that. What I waited for was to see how she handled the crisis and how her team responded. They choose poorly and this speaks to her CEO style.

Almost immediately Meg was off her robotic talking points. The domestic employee’s lawyer was a liar. Okay, tell use something about some Lawyers we do not know. Meg when presented with the info as to her employee’s status ‘went by the book’ to resolve this. Again we expect that much. Where it began to crumble was the blamestorming of Meg and her campaign. Now I understand this is an almost indefensible situation but is mitigable. Think Tylenol and the death pills that could have killed that brand.

She blamed Jerry Brown, left wing political nut cases, who IMO couldn’t put this together over a bong infused night of fried Tofu and soy noodles scribbling on their papyrus with quills glowing eerily under the illumination of their grow lights.

It was everyone’s fault but her own. Shoot the messengers, shoot the press, shoot the lawyer (insert your own joke here), shoot yourself in both feet. There you have it. Meg as CEO will toss everyone under the bus but herself. She knew about this, she could have mea culpa-d it and moved on. Owned it. Embraced it. Used it. But her campaign advisors said to get the votes of the ever dwindling conservative right in CA so she took an untenable and ill advised position and said as Governor she would, “prosecute illegal aliens and criminal aliens around the state.” Oops.

Did she have a Latino consultant on staff? It is over 30% of the CA population. AfBelieve it or not before this happened she sure did. Nice vision Campaign staff. From what I could find there are somewhere between 750,000 and two and one half trillion undocumented workers in California. How the hell did she miss this?

BTW watching the Gubernatorial debates between Meg Whitman and Carly Fiorina was like watching the second basemen and catcher of my college women’s softball teams argue.

Okay I feel a bit better.

It is official I am tossing my hat into the ring for the next CEO opening at HP. Oh, there will be another and soon. If the trend continues MW will be out by January of next year. Carly lasted about four years, then Mark Hurd who lasted four years and then Leo who set a new CEO record for getting canned at HP in just 0.92 years. This means that Meg is doomed.

Now as for me. I have exactly the same operational experience running an enterprise infrastructure company as Meg. I do not employee any domestic servants. Currently I have no plans to run for governor in CA. According to my niece in college I am actually ‘pretty cool’ so I take that as an endorsement that I have not lost touch with the rest of planet earth. I have met with as many HP Board members as Leo did (allegedly) prior to his employment. I have the ability to look interested when people talk to me.

Operationally I would keep the PSG group as it makes over $1.5B in cash every year which I would use part of it to lure Mark Hurd back as my COO. Some of it would go to hiring Mark a really good wing man. Working for Larry initially seems like a good idea until a dead B movie actress is found at sea off the coast of Australia and she clutches a Japanese Bonsai branch and an old HP 12C.

My Grandmother would screen board members as no one can BS my grandmother. She would know if the person is nice and has a good heart.

The Autonomy deal would die as spending just about 10% of my corporate revenue on less than 1% of its revenue is math even I understand.

The marketing department would get drug tested. The Tablet marketing team came up with “Everybody On’ as the campaign theme. Might work for Starbuck’s or NRG but given the world wide acceptance of the Apple IPad as the de facto standard of cool in the tablet space this is lame past even what eBay cooked up under Meg in 2007: The Windorphins. You can sell Tablets if the marketing would admit HP is not cool and make fun of itself a little bit.

And then I would send a free printer to everyone in CA who voted for Meg

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