Okay, it's been awhile but I wanted to update you on crossfit, and yoga.
Note: Blaving means to forcefully tell the truth.
Crossfit is for psychotic masochists with OCD. It is essentially a bit of stretching, a series of Olympic lifts, jr high calisthenics and trying not to puke. Resulting in: groin pulls, popped hamstrings, back sprains, wrist injuries, shoulder injuries, and soreness past your core being into your bone marrow.
It is the furthest thing from fitness and seems to be made for the pain, gain and sprain crowd. After stretching, which is a loose description as the 20-something's in class are loose enough to auto-fellate themselves (we've all been there). After 5 minutes of "stretching" there is a series of Olympic style lifts:
Dead lift. Which is the lift that makes people over 50 poop a little.
Front Jerk Lift. Which is not the guy who wears doll clothes and sits in the lobby soaked with hideous man-sweat admiring his physiology. It is the deadlift plus popping the bar up to your shoulders, elbows up and for us old guys, wrists trapped against the top of our man boobs.
Clean Overheads. The first two plus an unimaginable strain on your back as the weight is pressed quickly overhead to make sure you shit yourself and can't put it down as the thought of moving the dead weight makes you want to pee.
Then squats in a set called five to one. Five at a warm up weight. Four at a moderate weight. Three at a near max weight. Two at max weight. And one to separate your groin for your pelvic floor in the full squat position that leaves the participant no choice but to stand up with the weight or your ass splits to your shoulder blades, your knees turn white and the meniscus squeezes out the side like egg salad.
Add in burpees, which if typed on a mobile with auto korrect is literally 'hurlers.' Try it.
Handstand push ups to reinforce the fact you are a pussy and can't do a handstand even using the wall. Work in pull ups which completely fuqs up your keyboarding skillz, and finish with a series of jumps onto large wooden boxes which is easy for two jumps and then us old folks look like we have no spatial capabilities as we land one footed, fall off and look for a box the height of a 3tb hard drive.
Fast forward two weeks and I can now sit on the toilet. My groin is healed and the breathing, strength and minute alignment of yoga is civilized compared to the damage I did in one crossfit class.
The next secret mission was well set up as I will give myself a pat on the back on this one. I found out Agents Mongoose and Linoleum were scheduled to visit the bay area (from Papa Agent) and that Papa Agent had not told them yet. So he and I planned to set up this visit as a secret mission. Oh yeah. BTW this was a four day mission so this post will cover the mission assignment thru day one. Mission letters went out to the agents a few weeks prior to the (already) scheduled departure. The Supreme Commander said there is a covert ops mission in San Jose Ca they have to execute as the Group of Trouble In Theory (GOT IT) were panning on hacking into the Washington State Island County Treasurer’s computer system and raising property taxes as part of a larger scheme to drive retirees and fixed income families out so they can put up casinos. Nice set up –eh? The mission instructions told them to talk to Papa Agent and Mama Agent (known as Field Lieutenant of Personnel Omega – FLOPO an
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